amour propre

My writing has been shitty lately,my personal statement especially.  I think this finishing law school thing is psyching me out.  I’m still not completely sure myself.  I was so tired.  I am still so tired sometimes.  I need to explain what it’s like to be good for so long that you can’t be good anymore.

 I’m never sure how to explain this.  

It’s like carrying a bunch of heavy parcels that keep almost tumbling and you’ve got a pinky stuck in the handle of one grocery bag and two more bags hanging from your index finger and your laundry under your arm and your keys between your knuckles and your purse under the other arm and a cake box let’s say and you’re just trying to make it home without dropping anything and hoping somebody comes and takes even just one of the things from you, only you never get home and nobody takes any of the bags and you’ve been carrying them forever.

 So I got here and I got mad.

I’d been taking care of myself for so long and worrying alone for so long and I felt cheated out of something.  So I dropped the fucking bags and the laundry and threw the purse up in the air and ate the cake because damn it. I am so tired.

But I don’t know how to explain this without going further back, into the  moving moving moving always moving.  How sometimes  it fills my lungs with terror like I’m drowning.  And I don’t know how to tell these things without sounding self-pitying, or ungrateful .

Here’s the thing,I’m at a stand-still.There’s a lot of stuff I still care about. Every time I think about giving up I do my best to remind myself of all the things  I want to do, want to try still.

Towards the end of the semester I know I have a little light at the end of the tunnel, in two months more I’ll finally have room to breathe.I just need to go from here to there. I’m trying to look forward to that,but I don’t know what to do once I get there. I think I'm just going to plan to make more lists or more schedules. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, exactly, or what will change afterward, but it’s like I’m stuck in a tug-of-war between depression and the desire to actually utilize my freedom.

Is this the point where I start making baby-steps without the medication? would things be easier if I stop relying on it? I don’t know how to motivate myself without the anxiety, and this is the most “OK” I’ve ever been without the help of meds. Still suffering from depression and anxiety, but, I feel like I can actually move forward now. I just don’t know how.