day 650th.

Do you ever feel like the world is shitting and laughing at you  at the same time? Now let me give you a mental picture,it's just like the world has arms and legs and is stooped over a toilet, reading a paper, and joyously shitting while you lay helpless in the toilet bowl. It feels like a personal attack. 

Have you ever feel like it all seems unfair?Those sharp pains in your stomach and restless nights reminds you that this is all very real, not just something you imagined or denied and ignored.From time to time,a loud voice in your head reminds you how broken you are , how damaged you are, and this is just further evidence to confirm it. You are fixated on this. You feel so much pain and repressed feelings of self-hatred yet you cannot muster true tears. But God knows how much you want to cry. You want to cry because God why is everything seems unfair to you. You continue with this merry little path,hitting you on all sides and this loneliness is more than you can handle.What’s the big deal? Perhaps it’s timing. You stayed up late,thinking why did fate decide to shut you off.As hard as you try,you keep coming back to the idea that you are broken in such a way that you are not capable of love. Try as you might something innate in you will fuck it up. Now,do you ever feel like you're  missing some bolt or screw that everyone else has and that’s why you can never move into the realm of happiness. You hate being fixated on this,you hate it so much. Everything you do weaves back into being empty.Thinking about being in one. Being okay with not being in one. Telling yourself you're embracing the path that life puts you through.Sometimes you just want to scream,are you wired differently?You just want to feel whole. You want to fill a void,to seal that gap.

But charging after the one thing you need only seems to drive it away . So you feel loss of control. The more you chase to be in control the less control you have over it.Like a child who squeezes a pet they love and are afraid it will flee but ends up suffocating it.

Perhaps,it really is timing. You can't push yourself,you have to repel from it,and keep a comfortable distance. And that is how you move on.