epitome of self destruction.

September 2013,when I started studying for my degree,I was not close to having that assurance that somehow I'm going to survive.But I did survived my first semester,and that is something I most definitely have to add to my list of achievements.I still have a long way to go,and come to think of it,I am starting to love it this way.I love being busy,I love doing stuffs that keeps me going,things I do that needs me to work for hours.Why am I saying this ,is because,I need an escape from myself.Yes,you might feel that way too.In fact,everyone does.You see,there comes a time when you said to yourself "oh shiznit ,here comes the feeling you've been trying to avoid all day,dear self,be prepare." and you know exactly that in that moment,you are overwhelm with mixed feelings,be it loneliness or sorrow,you'll find any reason as an excuse for you to become an emotional bastard. You'll soon realize that it'll always get a little lonely even when you're not alone just as how there will be a time where there's a discreet silence within you in the midst of a hubbub. What I would like to point out is that,darling, keeping yourself busy actually helps,a lot. Yes,there were times,when I felt really lost,instead of choosing to go to a corner of the room and cry until my eyeballs explodes,I got up,put on my loud music and just sit down and do my work.This might sound queer but yes,I found peace in reading books,or studying. I am being really honest right now. And if someone out there agrees with me,they would really understand. They would understand the feelings that I get when I put my mind a hundred and ten percent focus,because that would be the only time I get to have an escape from my own actual mind.You see,our minds works in a lot of ways,in the most beautiful way and disastrous way as well.The horrible part is that our mind is capable of destroying us,taking away our happiness,our mind will always find a way to made us feel dejected,our mind is capable of bringing the negative aura. Allow me to ask you one question: have you ever gone through a day without saying something negative about yourself? Keep your answer to yourself. My answer would be,NO. I would be lying if I say I never said anything negative about myself ,some of the most common negative comments I told myself is that "Laura,you're not good enough" , "Laura,you look terrible." , "Laura,you're a mess." When I spoke of these things to myself,I would feel better,why? Because we live in a negative world.Our mind are programmed into thinking that it would not be okay if we do not think negatively.Somehow,we tried to rise,to reach the standard whereby the society expect us to be.Most of the time,we pretend to be a part of the society that somehow we've lost ourselves. Yes,all of us are made of flaws,and we are not afraid to admit this,therefore we will constantly say something negative about ourselves. Alright,back to my main point. So,I am currently having my semester break,still figuring out what to do during this hols to kill the time.And it scares me,because I am no longer busy.The thought of I finally have some time for myself,a lot of time to waste,this shit sent a shiver of fear down my spine.Why? Because here comes the same old routine,here comes the days where I have absolutely nothing to do,nothing to distract me from my own self,and no excuse for me to escape from my own self.This sounds weird,yes it is.I despise it when my mind starts to wander off.Anyways,I should say that nights should be for sleeping but I have often misused such time for over-thinking of things that may or may not exist and I might be a little cuckoo,like what I said before,my mind made zero sense past twelve. Hey,have you ever wander at night?No ,not like go out to the road and wander at night.What I meant is have you ever let your mind wander?I wander at night, quite often even.I'd visit who I was and what has changed me. Over and over again, tirelessly. The dreadful part is that when I start to re-opened the doors to my past,I would take a look,and peep at the possibility of what would happen now if only my past wasn't meant to end the way it ended years ago. I went for journeys in my head and I see everything,every success, every failures, every heart breaks, every joy and laughter.Heartbreaks.You see, broken hearts can be mended, lost hearts on the other hand is a different story.Some would say how lonely that must be but it's not about loneliness, it never was. The ambience,is dreadful,but oh how they are all so lovely for the disturbed,for me. That is all for now,oh and happy 2014. Since its already way past twelve,good morning I salute to the dead as the living do not give much care.