all i needed was help.

You know,one thing that amazes me is that how powerful it is to choose take a step back instead of fighting back. I learnt how important it is to give yourself a break when you have this motherload of bullshit. I've gone through days with only short period of rest in between.I was caught up with piles of works needed to be done.And somehow,I forgot how to let myself to at least,have a rest. I woke up last couple of weeks,thinking about work,and I went to bed thinking about work,I worried 24/7. I didn't thought about going to sleep,because I thought sleep is a waste of time.I thought I would missed out a lot of time by sleeping. Little did I know,it affected me in a lot of ways. I was in a terrible depression.I was in pressure. I cut out a lot of people in my life.I complained,I yelled. I argued with people who I love. I had so much going on in my head that I forgot I was hurting people around me. Friends told me ,again and again,they told me to rest.But I refused. And at that one point when I had enough,with the headache,with all the thoughts that killed me in various ways,I broke down. I asked myself why. I was alone last couple of days,because I chose to be that way.Because I thought i don't need people to be there for me,I thought I could take care of myself,I thought they are only a burden to me.But I was wrong. I was the one who caused the problems in the first place.I chose not to fix everything when I had the chance to do so. I shut them out of my life. I learnt so much in that time,when I was alone. Now I have a story to tell,earlier today,I refused to attend the Sunday's mass.Apart from having a terrible menstrual cramp and gastric attacks,I don't want to go out because I don't want to meet people,furthermore,I was only thinking about completing my work.I was so caught up that I forgot what really matters. You know,sometimes, He works in many ways.I had another awful dream last night.I woke up at 4 in the morning and I was weeping as I opened the Lord's book and prayed,because at that moment when you have no one,you realize that He's the only one who will listen.I dreamt of all these people that I love,drowned .I have always feared the ocean,and there's a reason for that.In the dream,I tried pulling them up,one by one,but their hands slipped away.And as I watched them slowly drowning,I screamed at the top of my lungs. The scene was horrible,I saw their dead bodies ,their faces turned blue,it was horrid. I woke up later,prayed to the Almighty and went back to sleep. I woke up later this morning,and a friend came,as if he knows I needed help.He went on telling me to attend the mass,that Jesus wants me to come,go pray he said.And this time,I finally able to decide what really matters.Those piles of works can wait but today,I'm going to the Lord's house,I need help,I told myself this. I had tears welled up in my eyes during the mass,and for the first time ever,everything seems a little bit brighter.I am able to forgive myself.I started talking with people,I started appreciating people around me.The joy that I felt right now could not be compared to anything. It feels like I left the weight on my shoulder somewhere far away,vow to never carry it again. I feel happy.I spent today,without having to think about my work,I went out,started eating again,and I rested well. Hallelujah for I have not gone bonkers. Have a blessed sunday,loves.