take me home

These past few days has been really hard for me.I miss home.Today is different and difficult, it is fill with negative vibes .When things gets hard it makes me think of home. I miss my home and the trees there. I don’t get the instant gratification from looking outside because here, outside, there’s nothing I love to look at. I don’t look outside and smile.  There’s nothing special. It’s just regular.At home, way out on the edge of nowhere, I could go out into the open field that is my front yard or anywhere, spread my arms wide, and all but yell anything my little heart desired .The openness and emptiness offers a sprinkle of joy.  This place doesn't have that. I'm stuck.Why is it that quite frequently I feel trapped and stuck? Honestly, right now, all I want to do is sing at the top of my lungs. I want to run until my legs shake and my lungs burn.

Agree with me when I say,we are always unsure of what we want. We want to go to places far away from home, away from all we thought causing troubles in our life. And when we’ve been to that place we want, we miss home and suddenly we want the feeling to be home again.
Life is hard, I know, and even harder when you’re not home. Believe me, you’re going to miss your nagging mother, your strict father and all the annoying stuffs you have around.

Home has been many things for me over the years, but the comforts it provides are what defines it , the simple, those blissful moments are what I miss.That sensation of peace on a cozy, rainy afternoon, the feeling of relief when you pull into the driveway after a long day, a greeting at the door by my puppies and kittens, and the warmth I felt being around my family.  It’s how the little raindrops seem to run after another that keeps me amaze during melancholy moments. I miss how loud a rain could become, deafening enough to make me think of myself alone.

I miss the company I had back at home, people who can drive me absolutely insane one moment and make me feel like a million dollars the next.
It’s knowing that no matter how hard times get, they will always be there for me.I miss how when I was so sad ,they tried to make me laugh. The kind of sadness even people around me seems to be vague in existence. And there I’ll find myself alone in a gray lifeless and motionless room.They came and erase all the worries that I have,all the things and people I wanted to forget for a little while, painful moments I'm trying to suppress, and feelings I ought not to mind because deep down I know if I’ll linger back and put attention to it, it’ll ruin me inside making me more prone to sadness. I miss Fridays. When my cousins would come over , we’d get snacks and have a movie marathon or long midight drive, endless conversations about everything in life over cups of tea until sunrise. I miss my family. I miss Friday mornings when I had something to look forward to.

Needless to say, I miss home. the atmosphere, the people, the food. 

I wish to wake up and look out my old window to see that beautiful sun rise coming over the top of those  peeks, I wanna wake up to my little sister that I wish I could say I still had I just wanna wake up happy like I used to be I want to go back home to where I was born I miss the only place I can call home, I miss getting to be engulfed in the nature that was everywhere you really could see the true beauty in everything.I used to see thousands of stars and now just a few but I can always find that north star and the big dipper that make my homes flag.Where the sky isn’t pierced by skyscrapers,where birds land on tree branches, not electrical wires,where peace is reachable and lastly, where home is a person. 

I just wanna go home.

I am an introvert with social anxiety. I get overwhelmed very easily when there’s multiple people around. Especially if I don’t feel 100% comfortable with them.I am very uncomfortable and anxious and flighty.I broke down crying most of the time,what has gotten into me. Dad has always remind me that the beginning is always the hardest,I just have to get over this homesickness.

I thought to myself for a moment and said to myself that there is more to life. I'm going to have a family, I'm going to have a life outside and a job.I think for a moment I thought the only part of growing up will be my career. I literally forgot about all the other things life has to offer. 

Yes it sucks, but I know that everything will be okay. It has to be. All that to say, I think it’s high time for better days to be showing up soon. These cold days are making me blue.