I feel like I am being detached from my being.

Can I just talk about something for one second?

A person once asked me,do I know what hurts the most.I answered what hurts the most is that betrayal comes from the person I trust the most.And she said no,what hurts the most is when our life itself is falling apart and yet the only escape from your sad reality is also currently falling apart .She paused for a while,and continued telling me that she honestly don't know what to feel anymore. Then it hit me as soon as I figured out that the answer to her question  ,incapable to feel anything anymore is what hurts the most.

Now,let me focus in these few minutes in what I want to write.I put a lot of feelings when writing because when I want to translate my thoughts into words,I feel this subtle resistance of putting what my mind want to tell into words.What my mind actually want to tell myself now is,yes I am shutting myself emotionally,again. However,my heart insist on wanting to feel,of wanting to be submissive to whatever my heart desires.I once told myself that this will take time,to feel what I am really feeling right now.You may not understand what I am trying to say here but I hope I can slowly push you to a fuller understanding. Let me tell you this,when you are finally incapable of feeling anything anymore,it feels like you are observing in another point of view.Or is it because our thoughts is no longer conscious to form the right point of view when our emotions shuts down.When you don't feel anything anymore,you may feel like you are detached from your being ,maybe not a good stance to look from,though, however,comfortable. On few occasions,you may experience your desire to resist from feeling anything. However,some of us feels that to start resisting from any feelings completely feels a very wrong thing to do,it feels very contradictory.Therefore,they only resist from things that they feel hard .

And on some day,I ponder on how much efforts it takes for a person to still delude themselves into thinking that to hold on to what the heart desires has its values.How mundane it would be to do that every single waking moments.I suppose those are so-called virtues and perhaps subjected to less conscious decision makings that were made long ago. To still chase after what the heart desires they say would be foolish if in the end of the day it is not appreciated,there is no one to tell that to you,no one will look at you in your eyes to tell you that you are good enough,and even if they tell you that,it may not be a sincere remark. No one is ever going to tell you that,and to be sure,you are already dead,it's already a fact in the future,you are already dead,whats left is the right time for your soul to be ripped out from your body. 

I am pretty sure that I've lost it a long time ago but I stick with it because I know I am capable of loving,one last time.I'd say,I am shutting myself down,but things always needs to run their own course. And I will just let it be.