cheers to being independent

Alright,pardon me for being away for far too long.My previous post was pathetic,I would say.At one point,I actually couldn't hold it anymore and poof waterfall of tears.The problem is I just don't feel and I'm okay with that really but it got a little more complicated when I can't even feel the bright side, the good part. In the first week,I cried every night.Can you believe that?However,I am not here to talk about that anymore.Instead,I am going to tell you what I've been through.I am going to tell you how i managed to suck it up and pull myself together to become this strong at the moment.

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When you're alone in a place, you couldn't help but just let your mind goes wondering. I've realized that when I was on my bed that one night, staring blankly at which appears to be nothing as I sleep in the dark every night,I wonder "how the hell did I get into law school,I am not like them." And it all leads to one big title.

I am not good enough.

And everytime when I feel like I don't fit in,I kept telling myself I am not good enough.And everytime I said those words to myself,I told myself of all the flaws that I have in me,I told myself I shouldn't be here,I told myself,I am not worth it.

Funny how the only person that tries to drag you down is not other people,but its you.I figured my greatest enemy is myself.

That day,one of my best friend who didn't make it to law school called me to ask about how I'm doing.I burst into tears,I told her I can't do this I can't do that. She paused for a while,she kept quiet.And finally talked to me.And this conversation that I had  with her saved me.

"Listen,how could you possibly think that you are not good enough?You made it into law school damn it,that is a great achievement you did.Look at me,look at all of the people who tried hard to get into law school,but didn't pass.How could you possibly say that you are not good enough when you have proven to all of us that you are a one hell of a champion?I would do anything to be in your place,but reality is I am not good enough compared to you.I failed,while you got what you always wanted.Now,you tell me you are not good enough,then what am I?If you're not good enough then I guess I am more than a loser.I know you are stronger than this,I know you,you just haven't notice it yet.If there is an advice that I could give you,it would be this,suck it up and step out of your comfort zone and go kick some ass."

One biggest highlight is "step out of your comfort zone".That night I sit in the corner alone and started to think about what's up with these fragile feelings that I had.

Step out of your comfort zone stay out of your comfort zone step out of your comfort zone.

And then it finally hit me when I realize that this is my problem,yes it must be.

You see,I am a loner,I don't make many friends when I first came here.When people said hi,I answered back awkwardly.I avoid people because I don't want to talk to people.I tried to avoid as many human interactions as I can.I don't go out,I became anti social.Coming here,I became this passive untalkative girl ,maybe its because most of my best friends are not here,they didn't make it here.So I stay inside my room most of the time to feel better of not having to go out and meet people and all.However ,I was wrong.Being alone is not a good thing,like what I said,when you're alone,you started to think,and thats when everything falls apart.

I almost forgot how easy it was to feel belong,to fit in and to feel strong.You just have to change the negative into positive.I keep away from those people because I thought I am not good enough compared to them,I stay away because I feel comfortable not having to talk to them,this is my so-called comfort zone. The next day,I told myself "alright,I am taking a first step in stepping out of this comfort zone." 

It took me almost two whole weeks feeling depressed and alone,it took me this long to finally realize that all I have to do to fix this is to step out of my comfort zone.

The next day,I talked more,I laugh more and I enjoyed every day here.I go out and meet new friends.And there are times when I have to do things on my own,instead of saying I am a loner ,I am saying I am independent.I am nineteen,it is time for me to do most of the things on my own.I am not this little girl anymore.I do things on my own not because I am a loner,but because I am independent.