father, i need thee

my father is a sweetheart.Throughout my whole life,he spoke of words that burnt through my ears and penetrate my heart,scars were carved there and forever will I remember of the words he spoke to me. Back when I was in my rebellious teenage year,I made heaps of mistakes. Whenever I was caught red-handed by my father,he would asked me to sit down with him and as he breathe out his rage, I fought with the battle within me,I blinked my eyes countless of times ,vow to never  reveal even a drop of tears in front of my father. You see,my father is a very strict man. But of course,he has his sense of humour at any other day when he's in a good mood ,but one rule that I always abide in is that,to never test his patience. He was the one who believe in me .The one who told me to never doubt what the future holds. I remember quite clearly most of the things he said to me,in which I listened and sealed it in my heart. When I was at my lowest,he told me to never break down in tears,because that is when I will resort to self harm.He told me to never accepts pressure and carry it on my shoulder or it'll weigh me down ,slowly dragging me down. All the words he spoke to me back when I was still a kid and teenager,all the advises he whispered,I now realize,he was preparing me for the real world,the world I am in right now. When I was being thrown here,I finally realize that what my father told me was right all along. He is always right in everything. My father taught me not to love when I am not ready. My father once told me he is raising a warrior and never would he want to see me to settle for less than what I deserve.You see, I never really trusted anyone,my parents are exceptions.My old man taught me to never trust people, giving them the benefit of a doubt, only to be screwed over by another person who doesn't care. Love being a perfect example. I believe in love, and in its existence, but I don’t believe in it for myself. I have seen love, or known to me as the dual infection, in its rawest form. One time,my father told me,it’s sad that I’m losing hope for love at such a young age because it’s a God given gift. No,this is not a pretense that I lose hope in love.He said,love but don't be a schmuck  for love. Father spoke to me once, never be a fool who love and be in a relationship for the sake of wanting to feel content of having someone to depend on. He showed me that I don't need a person who sucks the happiness out of me. He showed me that it is easy to be independent,never having the need to depend on someone who does not give the assurance that he will stay in the long haul. He showed me to be bold enough to walk away from someone who rip the soul out of my body and left me an empty jar,none but burnt ashes from the flames. My father taught me that love is one thing that infests itself in the marrow of the soul and is with me until my heart stops.Never never never trust people,my father said,always always always have doubt in them,never trust wholly. Being doubtful of people is what has kept me together . My father showed me how to see things differently. Get up and leave if I don't feel belonged in someone else's life anymore ,he said.Unless I am utterly convinced of the idea of what true love actually is,I would never trust.Trust and love go hand-in-hand, and this is something I learnt from my dad. Never would I love a man as much as I love my father,because I see my Heavenly Father in him. My heart aches,realization strikes as I learn to provide myself with an answer that I do really love you .I love you better now. I need you,more than ever now.