it all comes down to this.

Do you ever had people came and thank you for all of your hard work,saying they appreciate all that you did and pat your back as they uttered that you're brilliant? Do you have a list of people ,those people that you respect,your parents or whoever it might be,you want to make them proud no matter what,you just want to make them happy with your achievements. But the fact is that every single time someone tries to do that ,you automatically deflect and downplay and try and negate any and all praise. Have you ever had people telling you they are proud of you ,but you personally cannot accept the praise,because deep down you know,what you did wasn't good enough.You feel like you don't deserve these praises from people. People says congratulations but you know there are underlying messages that comes with it. And your automatic,instinctive response would be, “it wasn't that hard, don’t worry about it.” Often times, it was hard,but it wasn't like impossibly difficult,but people tends to overstate the challenge of the whole thing and you just really can’t let yourself accept praise for anything. Why? For me personally,it is because,the thing about feeling "I am not brilliant enough" ,I got that a lot when I was a kid and which I internalized so hard.It is sort of like the after effect of people kept shoving down these few words down my ears "SHE COULD BE BRILLIANT IF SHE JUST TRIED HARDER".As a kid,I learnt that clearly nothing I do without giving it my all cannot possibly be brilliant  IF i don't put in a hundred percent into anything I do,and anything that could be better is automatically unworthy of praise,.They said try harder,push yourself to the limits,they said I cannot be brilliant with just SOME effort,they want more. What boils down to this is that we are pushed until we couldn't really feel that we deserve perfectionism,we are raised to believe that perfectionism was a mildly debilitating but highly desirable personality trait,and that it is not a trait that we possessed.We feel like we should be ashamed for settling as "not good enough." And that is why we are never allowed to feel pride for things because they  always want "more than good enough" instead of you actually trying .

Have you ever did a wee bit of thinking and comes out with a lot of answers to almost all of your questions that had been puzzling in your head all these time?

I learnt that these unanswered questions are better off sealed before,it is safer that way.Now that I know the answers,I feel the bloody wounds is open once again.I have to say something,and this is not for myself only,but for anyone,of course.What I have to say is,sad humans need to stop having high expectations. I know this is a sudden plot twist but honey,nobody is gonna look you in the eyes and know you’re not fine. People can’t read minds, if you need help,go tell them you’re not fine. Ask help from them,because you are incapable of saving yourself and you know this oh so well.You can't expect people to stay and fix what is broken if you don't let them know that you need them.We don’t even want to be trapped in our own minds so you can’t expect someone who’s free to actually want to deal with that. And for the last time stop thinking that someone is gonna love your scars. Scars aren't beautiful, they’re tragic. And no, not “tragically beautiful.” Normal people do not want to put their mouth on a mark you made to let all your anger out. Silly,stop pushing people away just because you are broken.You need them,stop lying to yourself.

Hey if you have this explosions of feelings and if you're going through a rough patch,I hope this makes you happy.
Pardon me for this post,I just miss going to bed,with absolutely nothing on my mind. Goodnight.