Numb.

Sometimes,the picture of how things supposed to be that we created in our head leads to disappointment when things don't turn out to be the way you want it to be.They say not everyone gets what they really want but if you work hard enough,you will earn for what you worked for. Thing is,I tried. Tried to the point of exhaustion. Most of the time, no matter how well I think things are going, it'll end up the same.And sometimes, I thought I had enough ,but then I realize I am still trying. I got to a point where I was wounded terribly that I thought I couldn't go on anymore.

I tell you this,when you received a bit of wounds here and there for the same reason,over and over again,your feelings becomes numb,you become immune to it,that you no longer feel the sting of the wounds.And maybe ,you thought to yourself,just maybe, it gets better once you get used to it,so you choose not to flee. Your naïveté have led you to actually hope that maybe this will last. Maybe this time it wouldn't hurt. Say,even hell can be comfy once you've settled in. 

That day will come,I can see it coming,the day when I finally prepared to shut myself emotionally ,once again.  I did it once, I can do it again.  Friends told me the problem with me is I expect too much that I often got disappointed.But the thing is,I don't expect that much,I don't even want anything from the person that I love because I know I am capable of loving even when the person is less than perfect because when I love someone,I really do love them.They said I have so much love to offer and it's wasted away.Even the parents told me once,if I let someone in I need to understand that,it's a gamble,it's a game of risks.I always believe that I have to let go once I get to a point where I fight long and hard to keep but I still lose it,that's what I learnt from my father.All I've given so far should be enough, more than enough. I am giving it one last shot because I think he is worth it.  It's alright,I'm used to it. Numb.Say,I do better without a heart.