two zero one five.

This might not be a right time to actually go online and post something as I have made a promise to my dear self that I would stay away from the bloody internet.I can say I made a rebel out of myself but we agree that we are of the same kind,aye?Anyways,I am still in the midst of my final exam.I should probably wait until I finish my last paper but I just feel like writing something. Now,one question,would you agree with me when I say that it worries us when we can't control certain things? Throughout my whole life,I wanted to be in control.I wanted to be bound by the rules,I wanted to keep on track. But somehow,certain things just needs to run their own course.Notice how we tried so hard to be in control,and at that same exact time is when we lost control of everything. Not long ago,I went through a phase in my life when I was losing myself bit by bit.I had heaps of crisis with myself.As much as I choose to stay sane,to keep up to the society's standard and to be in control,I always finds myself drifted away . Maybe, I am a much different individual compared to the others but I always believe that all of us possess various characteristics which makes us different. What I'm trying to say is that,I know normal people would not resort to self-harm when they are in a crisis with themself. Only fools who opted for hurting themself physically than having the urge to stand up and just accept the harsh reality. I have always been that way and God knows how hard I try to be in control but I just can't. I know I need help,but I always hope that somehow I will find a cure to this,someday.Many have asked about the pain I must've felt and I think it depends on individuals. As for me, it didn't hurt, I barely feel it. I know I may have lost my mind back there but I always believe that I am capable of understanding the fact that this isn't going to help me and I am fully aware that somehow I just need to stop doing this to myself. Some friends told me that I am bringing myself to ruin ,but I've always been responsible. I want to be in control. I want to get good grades,I want to make my parents proud,I want to go out there and to learn as much as I can.I want to help myself. One day,I am going to stop hurting myself,I promise you this.It's 2015,hey I am 21 now. I have aged greatly over the years that it has exhorted me to behave.One of my new year's resolution would be to start caring bout myself. I know I've been abandoning myself for years now. I put people who I gave my hundred percent in front of me and they only gave me forty percent in return. It's not that I wanted something in return.All I need is to be appreciated and I didn't get any of that. It has urged me to decide that I need to stop giving a bloody fuck to anyone else who has taken me for granted. I need to stop being too nice. And most importantly,I need to stop hurting myself.As for now, I'll take it one day at a time. 

Someone once told me,that if you want to survive,be a bitch. Surprisingly,I nodded in agreement.You see,we live in a society where if you know what you dislike and you happen to say it in a frank manner, you're a bitch. And if you say nothing at all, you're a coward. Ah, bloody muggles. And once they see you as a person who is abnormal,they will start cussing or badmouth. However,I never cared much for any of it.It takes a lot more than that to effectuate my need to comply with what they have to say.Anyway, I have never cared so much for socializing especially to those I don't know.I don't disagree when people came up to me and told me I am arrogant when I am in a conversation spiralled around an uninterested subject of gossip .I am uninterested and I am not sorry .Most of the time,I am reluctant to speak because I am sparing one's feelings .And that might be the most humane thing I could have ever done.  I'm not here to make friends nor am I here to gather some sort of an entourage,I am merely here to mark my existence in a way that I want to learn as much as I can to get to the next phase in my life. I have enough friends, real friends in real life and I also have my family,I have those who understands why I have scars.These people,who never fail to make me feel alive, they're more than sufficient to keep me afloat. 

I'll speak more of this in the future, if God wills.